Friday, July 16, 2010

The Politics of Tipping

Ok this is an easy one ~ all you fucks out there that don't understand, now is the time to listen up.

First off...

There are no good tips, only good tippers. If you think you're a good tipper, you probably aren't, but don't be sad because in three easy steps I can make you the envy of your friends and the bain of your enemies ~ everytime you go out to eat.

Ok here we go...

#1. Pay in cash.

If you don't have cash, then get some, if you have a company card then you're a fuck, and are getting the meal paid for because you have a better job than your server (and you probably have health and dental insurance too, so you're actually a triple fuck in that case), and if you don't tip at least 20% you might as well just suck a dick and die. Now I know some companies put a 15% limit on what you can tip your server on the company card, but I got a solution for that ~ cough up some of your own hot wet stinky cash (yes your own cash) out of your pocket, and put a little on top of that credit card slip, if only just to say thanks to your server, for having an English degree and bringing you your food.

For all you others with the plastic, who want your reward points or whatever, just pay the tip in cash, you can suck it up I'm sure, or you can make your friends pay the tip in cash. Just make sure they're not cheap douché bags, because if they're hanging out with you, they probably are.

Now on that particular subject I have to say that if you are in a big party of people and there is one check, then you have to make sure that you understand what is going on, because chances are, nobody else does, and the first person everyone blames for not knowing what's going on is the server, and you know what? ~ You're a fuck ~ straight up no lie. Your server is your friend, and shouldn't be blamed for you, and your friends, being retarded for not being able to figure out simple math.

No seriously, you are an idiot and all your friends are idiots too. This brings us to step two.

#2. Don't be a fuck.

When it comes to those big checks that you have when you go out with all of your douchébag friends, here's the deal. First off, make sure that all of yout idiot friends figure in the tax and tip into their personal payments. I can't tell you how many times fuckin loserish peeps like you, just look at their meal and drinks in the bill and pay accordingly to just that, without considering that uncle sam will want to take his cut. Besides that, the tip is often underconsidered, mostly because you and your friends are cheap, and are pretty much unworthy of the air that we all have to share. I wake up in the morning and shudder, because I have to breath the same air as you and your friends, but you can fix this, by paying attention to a simple thing that I like to call, the lowest common denominator.

Now this is not like the math shit that you might think of when I throw around words like that. In actuality, the lowest common denominator, is more like your shittiest friend at the table. You know who he is, he's the one that leaves some cash on table and checks out before the check comes. You have his money, but you know what? - It's barely enough to cover his bill without tax or tip - he is the ultimate douché, and it's your fault he's there, so it's your responsibility to cover for him. If you don't, you're a fuck ~ Don't be a fuck!

On a related note ~ just assuming that all of you d-bags figured out how to account for tax and tip into your payments ~ make sure that the tip is in cash.

Here's how you do it (I have to explain it to you, because you are most likely an idiot).

Ok, so some people have cards, and some people have cash, that's cool, whateva ~ just make sure the cards are run for a specific amount and the cash is left over as a tip.


The bill is $120.

You and two friends are paying separately. Your douchéy friends have cards and you have cash (because you're kinda cool). They run their cards for $50 each and your drop a fifty spot to cover the difference. Do you see how that works? You all pay the same, but you're the man, because you are the one that drops the sweet tip down, in cold wet hot stinky wet (gotta say "wet" again) cash ~ thirty bones straight up. That makes you a playa ~ don't forget it. Your friends won't, because you're the man, at least in this example. Unfortunately you'll have to prove your manishness in real life before I'll give you any credit (because to me, you're still a fuck ~ get it?).

Ok, so I think you get the point, so on to step three.

#3. You are not special.

I'm sorry, your mother was wrong. You do not have the ability to compute what your service is worth. Bottom line - you are an idiot. Let me break it down to you ~ 20% MINIMUM. Who do you think you are anyway? Are you writting for a food magazine? Do you get off on pretending that you are better than people?

Unless your server spits into your food at your table, you will tip at LEAST 20%. That's it, there's really not much more I can say.

If you are going out to eat, you should be prepared for this, do you wanna know why?

Well... I don't care if you wanna know, I'm going to tell you...

If you do not tip at least 20%, you will be remembered as a fuck, and the next time that you go into that same place you will be branded as a cheap douché, and everyone will talk shit about you behind your back (I'm really trying to help you here). Do you really want to be known as a cheap douché?

So I know you're bad at math, so I'll help you out a little bit with another example...

Ok so the bill is $37.67 (I wanted to choose a hard one, so you idiots could see how easy it is to leave a decent [mark that, "decent", as opposed to "good"] tip).

First step - move the decimal place to the left so you got $3.767

Now round up and double it - that's $8 solid ~ make sense? Make it ten and you're getting there. Make it twelve and you're right on the way to being a true playa.

You know I feel like I could talk all day about this shit, but I don't have the time for that ~ let's just hope this is enough for now to help you to become the true playa that I know you can be.

I feel like we bonded here today, and now the next time I see you and your douchéy friends, I may almost be excited to sling you your brews and foos ~ but don't cross me, because I know who you are from your credit card slip, and I will not shy away from advertising your douchiéness to the whole world ~ no lie ~ mark.

Peace :)


About tipping on togo orders...

5-10% is fine, which btw is $10-20 on a $200 food order, and $1-2 on a $20 food order.

If that's too much for you to pay, then you're kind of a dick.

1 comment:

  1. "Do you really want to be known as a cheap douché?"

    You should add to that, that you could also be thought of as a Mega Cheap Douche Bitch (in rare situations [w/a]), which is not really what you want - especially if you really are one :)